How To Know If Someone Lacks Emotional Intelligence
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Over the past few years, emotional intelligence (“EI”) has become one of the most popular leadership theories in business. While there are some who claim it is a made up concept designed to help self-appointed leaders gain an advantage over others, many professional organizations now offer certification programs that test for EI.
With all this talk about how important it is to be emotionally intelligent, what does that mean? And more importantly, why should you care?
Emotional intelligence refers to our ability to recognize, process, and control your emotions. This includes understanding causes of emotions, being able to identify your own feelings, and knowing when to use emotion to achieve your goals and succeed.
Some people have higher levels of emotional intelligence than other people. These individuals can manage their emotions better and relate well to others due to the fact that they understand the importance of emotions for success and personal development.
They know how to manipulate or influence emotions in order to get things done. People with high emotional intelligence are seen as having “layers” of control over themselves and those around them.
It is also thought to be a key factor in achieving career success since employees will often refer to it when asked about the motivation of someone under their command.
They fail to recognize your emotions
A major part of emotional intelligence is being able to recognize other people’s emotions. You have to be aware of what others are feeling in order to help them feel better or make sure they don’t hurt too badly.
Someone who lacks emotional intelligence will never make that connection with you. It can sometimes seem like you aren’t even talking to each other because there’s just silence.
You could try asking why they acted like they did, but unless they tell you it, you won’t know.
It’s also difficult for them to identify their own feelings. They may deny how they felt or say they didn’t feel anything when you knew for a fact that they did.
That kind of person might come across as having low self-esteem and not knowing what to believe about themselves.
They are always calm and collected
It is impossible to tell whether someone has low emotional intelligence unless you have direct exposure to them, and even then it can be hard to determine. Some people who seem cool and controlled in social situations may actually be very emotionally fragile.
People with high EQ show their emotions more frequently than others. If someone never shows any emotion except when they’re laughing or crying, that suggests they are not easily touched by what other people do.
It’s also important to remember that not everyone gosses about how they feel. Even if someone seems pretty open about everything, there might still be things they keep hidden.
It's totally normal to keep some things private, but if your partner/friend does this a lot it could indicate they don’t trust them or think of them as secure around them.
They lack humor
A person who lacks emotional intelligence can be very serious about almost everything. They are not easily influenced by others, nor do they try to influence other people in return.
They may seem like someone who doesn’t laugh at jokes but instead just looks at you with a face full of seriousness. This could make them look more intelligent because of their appearance, but it also means that they don’t see the need to lighten up sometimes.
If this is something that bothers you or makes you feel uncomfortable, then maybe it's time to search for ways to improve theirs? Or even find another person who has this quality and work to bring out the laughter in each other.
They get angry or frustrated quickly
Many people are not able to control their emotions, making it hard for them to relate to others. We as humans need other people’s help in many ways, which is why emotional intelligence (or EI) is so important.
People with low levels of empathy cannot easily connect with others and will often times feel alone even when there are lots of people around them.
It can be difficult to tell whether someone has low levels of empathy until you see how they respond to things that have an effect on them.
If someone lacks empathy, they may become irritated or upset very quickly due to what another person did to them.
They may also take longer than normal to recover from something said or done to them. This could make them appear rude or uncaring towards others, but only because they were hurt or pushed too far.
They have a hard time showing affection
A lot of people feel that they can’t show their loved ones how much they care because they don’t seem emotionally stable themselves, so they avoid it. If you notice someone doesn’t look very happy most of the time, try not to take their lack of happiness as a sign that you aren’t important to them.
This might be because they are too focused on their own problems or feelings to find the person in front of them interesting. Or maybe they just don’t like you at this moment.
If they do happen to enjoy your company, there is probably a reason why. You could make an effort to figure out what qualities they think you have that made them happier and work on those, but unless they tell you, there isn’t much you can do.
They get irritated by things that others find amusing
If you can’t laugh at yourself, then you don’t have emotional intelligence. You are too easily offended. You seem like someone who has little self-awareness. Others feel uncomfortable around you because they cannot decipher your emotions.
You may come across as having very strong feelings, but those emotions aren’t always appropriate ones. Sometimes, what seems like anger is actually frustration.
When you think something isn’t working, it is easy to become annoyed. But instead of lowering your blood pressure, that tone only makes matters worse.
It could be due to something trivial, like a bad day at work or a roommate that doesn’t clean his/her room. Or maybe there is a problem with one of the other roommates that needs to be resolved.
Or perhaps it is someone else in this world that causes you stress, such as your boss, family member, or friend.
They get upset when you upset them
A lot of people are accused of having low emotional intelligence (EI) because they get angry very quickly and easily. This is not an ideal situation, but it’s quite common.
When someone does something that hurts your feelings or makes you feel bad about yourself, your first instinct probably isn’t to go tell them how hurt you were or why their actions made you feel this way. It’s more likely to be to yell back at them or even punch things like walls or each other!
This can sometimes seem like a good solution, but it really doesn’t help anything except make you feel worse. You’re just proving to yourself what strong emotions you have and showing yourself up in front of others.
Another problem with this approach is that it usually only works during the initial stages of a relationship. When there's a disagreement or argument, chances are high that one person will call for professional EI counseling.
They find it hard to reflect on their emotions
A lot of people who consider themselves smart sometimes lack emotional intelligence. This is because they are too focused on thinking about everything – including how others make them feel – rather than recognizing their own feelings.
People with low EQ can’t recognize or identify their own emotions, which makes it difficult for them to understand what other people are feeling.
This is why someone may say something that made you cry and then ask you “why were you crying?” without realizing that they hurt your feelings.
Alternatively, a person might talk about an incident that made you upset and then wonder whether you still like them after that.
Either way, they don’t realize what their words have done to you.