Having emotional intelligence (EI) is a skill that most people have, but few use effectively. People with high EI understand how emotions work for them and how to manage their own emotions as well as those of others.

It’s like having a toolbox full of tricks you can pull out at any time to solve a problem or express your feelings. You are aware that tools such as this exist and it would be great if you used one every now and then, but you never do because you don’t think you need one.

Until you require one. Then you find yourself face-to-face with an angry person and there's nothing in the toolbox!
You could try telling them they're wrong, but that doesn't usually go very well. Or you could walk away, which sometimes is the best option too.

In cases where violence is not a good solution, your options depend on what kind of listener they are and whether you feel able to contain your anger.

But even when none of these apply, you can still learn some things about emotion regulation.

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Most importantly, you will reduce your stress and avoid burnout by keeping up your normal life while also being aware of your needs and those of other people.

Make people feel you

It’s easy to talk about emotional intelligence, but showing it is not as simple. People can tell when you are not feeling something or someone, so they avoid interacting with you because they don’t want to hurt your feelings.

Conversationalists have a tendency to put up their defenses when things get tough, which makes them seem very self-contained and less open. They may even start avoiding certain people because of what they perceived as bad relationships experiences.

This doesn’t help anyone! If you want to show more emotional intelligence, you need to learn how to reduce your defense mechanisms and develop trust in other people.

It will take practice, but here are some tips for becoming a more emotionally intelligent person.

Listen to others closely

A few years back, I had an interview for a position that was very important to me. During my interviews, they asked about how well I listened to people and if someone were to ask me what kind of person I am, would they see it?

Their reason for this was because in their company, we have a lot of changes happening — big projects coming down the line, new leadership positions being filled, etc. They wanted to know whether or not I could handle such situations.

They also asked if anyone ever asked me what kind of person I am, whether I knew it or not. For them, that showed I didn’t trust myself fully which is another way to say I don’t think I’m smart enough. (Ahem…)

I got the job! And I can tell you now, those questions helped me put more emphasis on emotional intelligence. Because while I may be highly intelligent, I definitely lacked self-awareness.

Be realistic

As mentioned before, being able to show your emotional intelligence doesn’t necessarily mean you will be successful in whatever career path you choose. People who are good at showing their emotions don’t always have what it takes to be a leader or manage others effectively, nor do they always make great team members because they can be overly influenced by other people’s feelings.

In fact, there is some research that shows that when someone else feels negative about something, those with high emotional intelligence may actually feel more negatively about the topic themselves. This could potentially create a vicious cycle of negativity!

If you know me, I’m not the most positive person so this would definitely apply to me 😉 But my colleagues and friends say I seem very level-headed which probably helps me keep things under control. So while it’s important to acknowledge and understand how other people feel, you should also be aware of your own emotions and why you feel the way you do.

It’s totally normal to be feeling conflicted sometimes, but if you find yourself constantly complaining or thinking only about the bad side of things then you might want to take a look at your emotional skills.

Communicate well

A successful person is someone who communicates effectively with people around them. They are aware of other’s emotions, and know how to use that information to achieve their goal.

By being conscious of your own feelings, you will be able to better understand what others are going through. You can then apply those lessons to help them feel more relaxed or motivated.

People will trust you more if you show empathy for others, and are aware of their moods. If you want to rise up the ladder at work, put in an effort to get along with your colleagues, and keep an eye out for when they’re down.

At home, try to find common ground with your partner, and don’t assume things about each other unless asked. Don’t expect perfection, but do look for signs of growth.

Emotions connect us to one another, so take time to acknowledge and appreciate the ones in your life.

Be honest

As mentioned before, your emotional intelligence is something you either have or you don’t. There are no half-measures when it comes to this quality. If you want to show more of it, you must work on it as hard as if you wanted to achieve another goal.

The same goes for whether you have high or low levels of EI. It will always be there, but you can bring it out by investing in yourself and understanding why you sometimes feel less intelligent than others.

If you think that you already have high EQ, check out how you compare with other people your own age. Then try to put yourself in their shoes and see what would make them feel better or worse.

You may find that you lack some areas, but not very much – or even that you have higher levels than thought! The only way to know for sure is to look into your own mind and assess where you fall.

But remember, just because you don’t seem like someone who has lots of emotions doesn’t mean that you don’t have any. A lot of highly successful people were able to put up a front that they didn’t feel anything at all.

Be humble

As noted before, your emotional intelligence is like having a second personality that no one else has. You are not aware of it, but others can tell when you have it or not.

If you think you have high emotional quotient (EQ), then prove it! Humble yourself by doing something hard that takes effort. Ask someone for their opinion about an issue, read a tough article, take a challenge that other people may view as impossible.

Tackle these with patience and you will see how much EQ you have.

On the contrary, if you believe you do not have enough EQ, then try to be more compassionate, kind and understanding towards others. Try asking questions, being curious, offering advice when needed, acknowledging mistakes and giving credit where credit is due.

These are all qualities of empathy which we want to develop so they can be applied to anything and anywhere in life. If you cannot recognize what makes someone else happy, then you do not know very well who they are.

Be positive

A lot of people get so focused on what they are not doing that they forget to give credit where credit is due. You may be very talented, you can create art or do business with skill, but if you don’t appreciate what you have then nothing will feel good.

We all have things we could be better at, but unless you recognize your strengths you won’t know how to use them.

Start by being aware of their existence and then work from there to develop them.

Be positive about yourself – acknowledge and reward your achievements, say kind things to yourself, believe in your abilities, praise yourself for past efforts.

Understand your emotions

A major part of emotional intelligence is being able to recognize your own feelings and identify what is happening around you that may be eliciting those feelings.

You have probably heard the saying, ‘Actions speak louder than words’ before. This expression means that how someone acts can tell us more about them than what they say.

With this knowledge, we can determine if their actions show an understanding or lack thereof for other people and things.

It also helps us understand why they do certain things and whether or not they are telling the truth. In fact, according to research, it is one of the most important traits to assess trustworthiness.

When it comes to career opportunities, employers look into these qualities when hiring. Therefore, having emotional intelligence is something that will help you professionally.

Emotions play a large role in our daily lives, from going to work to spending time with family. Without adequate control over your emotions, life can become too much to handle.