I am currently a 23-year-old man living in the seventh grade.

While writing this letter I often wonder if I am as screwed up as I feel sometimes.

It is almost as though I’m the character in the Kenny Rogers song “The Gambler.”

You know the one, where he sits on the riverboat and pulls the riverboat over onto the pier, picking up a gang of women and causing the riverboat to burst into flames.

In reality, I’m quite normal in most ways. The world has certainly fucked me up.

However, I am by no means lost.

If you want to win at this life you must find a balance between getting in trouble with the cops and those ladies who don’t own these hips.

Do not play by your own rules and be sure to listen to me. So to kick things off, here are a few tips:

Rule #1: Never confuse a punch in the face with a punch in the kisser

When it comes to punching the crap out of someone, stop and think.

Is the person you are fighting with a bitch?

Is she going to stab you? Is she going to do anything, really, that isn’t bitchy?

All of these things should be on your mind when you do it. If you are on the wrong side of the fight, pick on someone easier to beat up, like a child or a fag or that fat chick with no friends at work.

Never mistake the English language for a dictionary.

Rule #2: Know when to keep your mouth shut

No one wants to hear the intimate details of your sex life. Never open up and tell a girl everything that is wrong with you.

I had a girlfriend who I liked when I was a kid and I used to be constantly telling her things about myself and how fucked up I was.

What I really did was make her worried that I was going to turn out to be gay.

Rule #3: Keep your mouth shut when a girl wants to borrow money

What girl, other than a professional loan shark, is going to give a girl a quarter to give you the time of day?

You are never going to have time to get back to her, so why waste her time by allowing her to ditch you?

Borrowing money from girls doesn’t always make sense.

If you see a chick that you would like to date or if she is following you home, be sure to keep your trap shut.

It can lead to such bad things.

Rule #4: If you are a man and you don’t have a good morning erection, you are the scum of the earth

A lot of guys fail to understand the key to a good morning.

Most guys fail to understand that they must have a stiff dick or they won’t wake up.

Having sex does not bring on an erection, according to the myth. Everyone should be happy with the state of their penis and are it flaccid, it is not pleasurable.

However, if your cock is hard, it is so unbelievably, beautiful that I am not even going to bother to discuss it.

It is so good that you can call it a cock and that it has a name. I love it so much that I will do anything for it.

Even if it means making $200-a-hour blowing frat boys at the University of Texas.

I do it all day long and I always have. In fact, I just did it again.

Rule #5: Maintain your pomposity at all times

This goes along with Rule #1. We all know that guys that act like the hottest piece of ass in the world are usually the most boring.

So the next time you are talking to a woman and she is way prettier than you and talks better, keep your mouth shut.

Let her keep talking. It doesn’t matter if she is boring or not. Just stay in your chair and stare at her face.

Remember, some women think you are ugly too.

This way, you don’t have to worry about what other people think about you and she doesn’t have to worry about you either.

Rule #6: Never drop your pants. Ever

I don’t care if you get into a fistfight with two dudes at the 7-11.

You don’t ever, ever, drop your pants and show your dick to a girl.

The only thing that I will allow you to do is to do the cunnilingus move if I ask you to.

My ex-wife and I even came up with a name for it. We called it the “Cunnilingus Calves”. See Rule #2 for more details.

Rule #7: Never do anything that makes you look like an asshole

Why would you even have to worry about this? You are not going to make an ass of yourself, right?

So your greatest fear should not be getting in a bar fight with a guy, it should be getting in a bar fight with your brother.

If you get into a fight with a woman that you don’t even like, you are making yourself look like an asshole.

An asshole that everybody hates.

Rule #8: Know when to start giving it up

You have to know when to stop.

This rule is especially true if you are a man and are standing in the middle of the bar getting sexually harassed by one or more women.

If you see a woman’s back to you, she is flirting. Just smile, pay her no attention, and go about your merry way.